Seeking

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I was feeling. At that time I was alone in the room; I sat on the bed. Suddenly on the head I clearly felt someone gave a blow; turning to look up I see a young girl hanging from the ceiling-fan with a noose at the throat. Suman: what! Did she not come down untying the rope? After such a terrible matter what happened? Shashwata: I come out of the room at once and go to the room where the ill girl was; entering, taking her hand, the girl leaps up and says she will drink my blood. Then all flee the room in fear. Then in the room only I and that terrible girl remain, two. Suman: O Baba, you have much courage. Shashwata: I keep thinking what I shall do. Then someone from inside me says Jai-Guru and tells me to go forward. With one hand the girl’s one—

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Suman: whose sister? The girl in the room — her sister? She who had put the noose? Yet if a ghost leaves giving a sign, it is understood the ghost has gone — did you see such a thing? Shashwata: no, that much I have not learned; Baba will now say all. Shashwata turning to Pagla Baba: Baba, now you say; I know nothing. Pagla Baba has been hearing all with mind. Shashwata again: Baba, what happened after, I too want to know. Suman remains astonished looking at the two. Pagla Baba: yes, Shashwata, you have seen right, and in the house the ghost is still not gone. Her sister’s suicidal death; she cannot be freed so easily. Until her span she must remain in pretloka, and suffer much. Upon her sister her father and—

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—will go on. Ending one’s own body is not the last word. People forget: as waking they pass the day on this earth’s breast, so sleeping they pass the night remaining in the same place. Waking, people remain with their own samsara and share sukha-duhkha with one another. Again sleeping they wander the whole brahmanda in dream, and the knowledge earned all day they enjoy in dream while sleeping. As long as the body remains this bond of meeting goes on; and when they leave the body they leave worldly bhava and wander in the unworldly. So in the worldly state there is work, and in the unworldly, according to that work, the knowledge gained — they take only that and enjoy only its fruit. That is why scripture has said the self-slayer is a great sin, whatever the cause. Suman: then Baba this—

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With the fruit of a whole life’s work in hand one must stand in the unworldly layer, and as one stands in which layer, according to that layer’s rule one keeps enjoying fruit. So a human being walks taking two lives — one in doing work, another in enjoying fruit. Actually a human being does not die; only the name dies. As when someone of the family dies the family stands stunned, becomes katar at the going of one’s dear; again with time, forgetting pain, they rise in laugh and joy — so life only keeps turning in a circle; transforming the atman’s form it begins a new life again. This turning is called the life-cycle, which cannot be destroyed in any way. So the atman too has no death. Only taking worldly form the name changes. Understand a little, Suman? Suman and Shashwata are astonished.

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How should another see one who is not? And her getting — where she would stay, how could I know? How did these hopes become possible? Pagla Baba: as water filled in a glass of glass, even if spread on your room’s floor, it is understood this was water that had taken your glass’s form. Shutting the eyes, if you can think again, it is seen the spread water has again taken form in the glass, and then it is understood the water that lost form can again have form; and when water’s form is understood, water’s bhava too is understood. Water’s dharma is water puts out fire, and how much fire how much water puts out, the vessel’s form of water shows. So the atman that leaves form and spreads, if you can bring it back into form, then knowing its form and bhava you can mix yourself in that bhava, and then its kriya-kalapa—

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Actually the Guru has no form, much like water. As the birth-giving mother and father are also Guru, again the school’s teachers are also Guru. Again the Guru who gives adhyatmika diksha is a diksha-Guru. Who can give the unknown to be known, he is Guru. As a blind man taking the stick in his hand as the path’s support, making high and low, can reach the aim, so the Guru, keeping the disciple’s unknowing, can put out blindness and give the sight of light. As the blind sets out on the path taking the stick as only support, the disciple can leave himself thinking the Guru the only saviour; and who can do this work is worthy of being a disciple. He again, meeting in knowledge, taking the form of the knowledge-form Guru, keeps showing the path to his own disciple. This is for now the answer to your question.

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Otherwise you will touch me again — Pagla Baba enters the kutir. Shashwata thinks many more questions were there; let me first give place to those he said, then questions can be asked again. Brother, what do you say? Something was known. To know all this one must remain near the Guru; otherwise reading books these things will remain mute. Saying Jai-Guru, Jai-Guru, clapping, he rises, feeling quite full; clasping Suman: the questions as if had become a weight on my body; now much lighter. Suman: how much lighter will it be, brother; Pagla Baba is entering and coming out of you. Shashwata: that is the difficulty — why will he come out? This time if he enters I shall put a bolt on the door.

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Shashwata: I understood. Then how did you know these things of sadhana? Suman: I read. From small there was much attraction to this line, so I have read much taking this path. And that knowledge I have brought coming on this path. What is the use of only reading, brother? How to do these sadhanas — is it all said in the books? Suman: yes all is said — first how, what mantra to japa, one must sit in smashan or on a shava, how long to japa, then what mantras, all is written; if one can walk according to those rules, siddhi will happen. Shashwata: then why did you not try? What need was there of coming to a Guru? In that siddhi could have happened. Suman: yes it could. But in that book itself it is written, all rules after taking the Guru’s permission, then one must do; oneself from a book—

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Meaning you had taken diksha somewhere before? Suman, laughing: no brother, where shall I get so much money? Wherever you go, a gossip of money; they will hear sweetly, and you will see the Gurus say I want nothing of mine, I am not a bhogi-Guru, I do dan-dhyana of the poor. A little more, so at the ashram, after the first time, every month giving something, then going, something will happen — money. Seeing those Gurus one thinks them sadhakas; they remain always dressed large like gods, and in talk as if honey drips. So I too had decided I would take diksha from them. Shashwata: then why did you not take? Suman: that Guru’s disciples put in my hand a list for taking diksha. Quite a long list, gold-silver, many things written, even jewellery for Guru-varana.

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Suman said straight: you have not understood me at all; I do not take you as that — and went out. The disciples frightened him; much harm would happen, insulting such a god-like Guru; he would curse. Then what happened: those curses stood as blessing before him. At last diksha happened at eleven rupees, and made a place at such a Pagla Baba’s feet. Shashwata: I see you have drunk water of many ghats; wandering so many ghats, at last diksha at eleven rupees.

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They come before the kutir door; Pagla Baba inside has shut the door and is doing something. Neither dares knock. Suman: leave it; we shall do what we can; now he is perhaps doing japa-tap; calling at this time is no gain, he will not even hear. Entering the kitchen they see everything kept covered. Shashwata: lift the cover, brother. Suman, uncovering: brother, paratha, and in one vessel egg-curry. Where did all this come from, and when? Shashwata: magic? Pagla Baba opens the door, comes to the verandah: where are you, where did you go? They come out.

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Pagla Baba: take, you too sit. Suman, your sandhya today — with the Guru’s pratah-kritya and sandhya, this one convenience is there. Even if not done, before the Guru it runs; you have understood that well. Puja, japa, if there is no Guru’s ajna, that word remains said in the Guru-griha shastra, yet with permission like yours all can be done. Do not search only where there is leave in shastra’s path, like a cat; sadhana will not happen. Suman: no Baba, error happened; from now I shall do it every day. Pagla Baba: no error happened. Remaining before the Guru, finishing pranam, the fruit of pratah-kritya, sandhya, puja is received; by pranam that fruit of yours, because the Guru, has happened. Yet always remaining in the ashram or Guru-griha, by Guru-pranam and by one’s own kriya completing the kriya, experience increases.

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They think of tying a rope so in sleep’s stupor if one rolls there will not be much pain. Pagla Baba: with that rope then bind not only the eyes but the whole body, then there will be no fear — and he enters the kutir. Shashwata: brother, tonight too I feel there will be quite some trouble; I shall not stay awake late, I shall sleep quickly. Suman: yes, before that one work: I shall keep a bucket of water; if he wants to eat, the water is in place, no need of calling. Shashwata: I do not know; you understand what is good; yet I feel you will have to feed him hand and foot. Suman: dhut, I have kept this one bucket in place; water will roll inside this bucket as he eats. Now let us lie down.

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Suman tells of his diksha-day: many disciples present; Pagla Baba said sit, I have a word with you; Suman sat in a corner silent, afraid. Pagla Baba, talking this and that with all, turned: this donkey, come this way, let me see whether you can be made a horse; then I shall make you human. Tomorrow Sunday, leaving house-work, eating nothing, bring a new dhoti and chadar. If there is money in the pocket, a little flower-mala-mishti, and a few raw rupees if you can bring, that will do. Tomorrow I shall give you diksha. Suman said, if you make a list of what things are needed for Guru-varana, I shall buy them now. Actually he had known before of Guru-varana in diksha.

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First learn to surrender yourself at his feet; then you will see you have become one. Go, think now, go; think nothing more. Home I pranam Guruma and return. Next morning, keeping himself fasting, he goes again to the Guru-house. Then what happened he had already told Shashwata. When the mantra was given he only said, give eleven rupees, and I said nothing from fear; I wished to give more, yet I saw here becoming good by money would not happen. So I did not give more. Understand then my taking diksha; now sleep. Quite cold is blowing; both wrap the chadar, saying Jai-Guru, and sleep. After a good while in the ear a jhapang of water falling in Shashwata’s bucket. Shashwata softly calls Suman: brother, did you hear something?

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Shashwata and Suman finish their work, pranam the Guru, set out toward the river. In the dawn mood, in light light, they easily come to the bank. A small branch of river goes; trees on every side; though some trees are cut for people’s going, still the place is quite dense. At that time no one else is on the bank. Going toward the river Shashwata’s eye goes to the far bank: Suman, look, look. On the far bank a small boy is doing something with pebbles. Shashwata: he went to the far side? There the jungle is quite dense; it does not seem there is settlement; in that jungle fierce beasts may be; the child will fall in danger. Come, let us see. Suman: what, come let us see? Is there a road to the far side? Only crossing can one go, and I do not know swimming, so I cannot go.

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The boy: they will not do anything to me; they pull you; do not stay here, they will eat you. From small I come; they are very terrible. By day too they stay here. You go quickly. Shashwata: so you have seen, I think. Do you stay in this jungle? The boy, quite serious: there is no place for people to stay here. Shashwata: then what are you doing here? You too are human, alone in a jungle of terrible ghosts? Boy: no I do not come alone; mother has forbidden coming alone. With mother in the middle of the night we come. When it is dark, when no one is awake, we two swim and come here. When I was small I used to come on mother’s back; now I can swim.

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A woman comes out: this, Arka, come this way, we shall be late returning. Shashwata turning to the woman: is Arka your boy? The woman, smiling: why? She has not yet said my word; to know more you must come here still earlier in the dawn. Now I come; we shall see again — taking the boy’s hand she goes a little toward the river. Shashwata: who are you? The woman, laughing a little loudly: why, has my word not been said? Then let it be, you will know later. Now only we met; later there will be talk again. Today I come. Shashwata-babu, you too go quickly, otherwise your patients will all sit waiting — and taking the boy’s other hand she leaps into the water. Shashwata: what happened? She knows me? Who are they? Where did they go? Looking at the water — there, still seen, they are in the water.

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Suman: yes, why? Even if not seeing well you saw two people. Why are you so agitated? Shashwata: oh, then they were human — sitting on the bank. Suman: come to the kutir, we shall talk later; take a little rest. Returning they see Pagla Baba and a baul-sannyasi sitting in the verandah talking. They pranam. Pagla Baba: you pranam him too; he is a tattva-jnani Guru. The Babaji, hand on the head, blesses: know sukha, know sukha. Shashwata: Babaji, remain in sukha I have heard much; the word of knowing sukha I have never heard. If you explain a little. Babaji, smiling a little: actually remaining in sukha—

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Today a great mela — fish, meat, all cooking together. You rather do a little yogabhyasa and keep yourself ready. Suman goes toward the kitchen. Sudhama sits on a wooden piri cooking with mind. Suman silently from behind puts out a hand to pranam; Sudhama cries who, who? Suman: no Ma, I am Suman, Baba’s disciple. Great jata on the head, many malas at the throat, large chandan tilaks on the brow, white sari with red border, age touching fifty. Sudhama turning: oh, so; I thought a rat; one need not call, Baba, foolish boy, pranam — and she rises. Suman pranams; Shashwata comes behind and pranams Sudhama. Sudhama: you sit a little, Baba.

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Hold lightly; you will see what happens in the guise of play happens again. Shashwata: I have felt that quite well. Pagla Baba: so you too have felt? See Baba, to feel, many again become late; actually many feel, many then becoming very knowing also become late. So feeling with a little care is good. Babaji: keep the Guru always in smaran, then all will run right. Do not go to do any sadhana without the Guru’s permission, however much you feel in the mind. Your path is of great temptation. It will seem I shall be able to do this work, and if able then you will get the fruit of the kriya; yet remember fruit, Baba, fruit of life is of two kinds: one the mind gives, another fruit ends life. To get it one must take fruit from the Guru’s hand; from his hand even visha-phala becomes a giver of nectar-fruit. So the Guru’s ashis—

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How does a woman alone with that little child pass unafraid in a terrible jungle? Are they human, or something else? The form of the two will not leave the eyes. I must know who they are; how did they know me? Their words still sound in the ear. Was Pagla Baba wanting to say that? Then knowing all he had sent me to bathe in the river? Oh, the head is not working; when shall I get Pagla Baba alone? Or tomorrow again in the dawn-night shall I go to meet Arka and Arka’s mother? Guptaji: doctor-babu, may I come? Shashwata: yes, come. Guptaji: you are well, doctor-babu? Shashwata: yes; we have no cause not to be well.

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Guptaji: hearing your words it seems you too are a person of some extraordinary personality; not ordinary like us. What you said to me yesterday, I understood this much: in the name of dharma we think only of our own swartha-siddhi, and seeing what we have not got we run toward what we shall get. Your words have opened my eyes. He whom I had taken as Guru, perhaps it was his word to open this path of my thinking, but he does not. Talking with you I now understood he too is an ordinary greedy human like me, so he has taught me to walk his path. Shashwata now says Jai-Guru, Jai-Guru.

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Shashwata sets out on the kutir path. Returning, Pagla Baba: Shashwata, you and Suman sit to eat a little late today; we three shall eat-drink in the room. When our eating is finished we shall call you. Shashwata: yes Baba, no trouble. Shall we spread asanas in your room? Sudhama: no, no, I am here; you need do nothing; I shall do all; you think nothing at all. The three enter the kutir and shut the door from inside. Shashwata and Suman remain sitting in the verandah. After a little, from inside the room a sound of mantra-path comes to the ear. Shashwata: brother, are they doing puja inside? Suman: yes, they are doing puja; that is why they shut the door. Shashwata: what kind of puja, they took food and shutting the door puja is happening.

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Why are you restless? You too will have to sit in this chakra and becoming swami of the chakra take the chakra forward. Only this much he had said; I did not understand much. Shashwata: meaning according to diksha there will be adhikara, and according to that adhikara one must do sadhana; so some in the house, some outside, some on the hill, some in the jungle remain doing sadhana. Meaning Arka’s mother too is dikshita like them; so perhaps in the dark, hidden from ordinary people’s eyes, at night she does sadhana in that jungle. And talking with me, with that aishvarika shakti she could know all about me. Now I have been able to understand. Suman: what had happened there? You had somehow become. Who were they? Shashwata: that I cannot say. Yet this much I have understood: in that deep jungle Arka’s mother comes to do sadhana at night, and Arka from very small has been seeing these things.

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Nothing comes to the ear. Have they forgotten us sitting in puja? Suman thinks so too. Before entering puja they ordered us not to eat anything; this morning they had said fish, meat, all is done, do a little byayama. Luckily I did not do byayama; hearing Pagla Baba, if I had done yoga-byayama, now perhaps lying in shavasana from the fire of hunger I would have become a shava. Light the hurricane, brother; dark has come well. When they will open the door is hard to know. Then Sudhama opens the door and comes out, a bowl in two hands held covered. Shashwata: has your puja finished? Sudhama without any answer from the mouth comes down from the verandah, goes straight out of the kutir toward the river’s bank.

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Shashwata tries to see a little; Suman stops him. Hearing Sudhama’s terrible cry Suman and Shashwata become afraid. Suman: come, let us return; staying here now I think will not be good; and she too does not exactly want us to stay here. Shashwata: yes, then come, let us return. Yet in this dark will Sudhama have any trouble? The sentence not finished when from a long tree beside, a branch suddenly breaks and falls on Suman’s body. Suman seeing nothing more takes Shashwata’s one hand and runs toward the kutir. Shashwata too is very afraid. Running back, Pagla Baba is standing in the verandah: where had you gone? Suman: to show Sudhama a little path; she went toward the river’s bank in the dark, so I thought I would take the hurricane a little. Pagla Baba: who shows you the path, that is fixed.

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They enter the kutir. On the bhog-thala khichuri, fish, meat, several kinds of fry, payesh, all is kept. They serve themselves. Sudhama returns: where are they? Have they come back? Babaji: yes they have returned; inside they are taking prasad; the poor things had become very flustered. What was to be said to them has all been made understood; you say nothing more now; quickly gather everything; we must return again. Sudhama: yes I go, the works forward. Suman and Shashwata come out having taken bhog. Sudhama: Babajis, taking bhog, did you like it? Suman: rare, very good; I have not eaten such cooking in many days. Pagla Baba: actually you were empty-stomach a long time, so your tongue could not understand taste. Because bhog-cooking without—

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Suman: no, truly I understood nothing; only taking bhog, mind and prana were soothed in shanti. Pagla Baba: that mind and prana be soothed is why I kept you so long without eating. Otherwise the mind would want eat, eat, and the belly would want lie a little. So if the two bhavas are not one, the fruit of taking bhog would not be found. The sentence not finished, Babaji takes up a song: when mind mixes in mind, salt and jhal will all mix in water. When mind mixes in the body, then all prana will want meeting. In meeting the river will break the dam; creation then another; the river will go in its own speed, mix again in ocean-water. Life, where the dam is breaking, earth, you increase the hand. I shall not search a gold house any more; mixing, earth, all is yours. Ganga Yamuna Sarasvati — why does the mind search falsely; in the three nadis the play is done, in one’s own bhava the hamsa rides; six ripus make the chakra; how the year increases in bhava; this time reverse the debt.

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Pagla Baba: understand Shashwata, what is in this brahmanda, that remains in this chit-pinda. Babaji, in a net of words, has said the body-tattva. Shashwata: how rare; I have no more language in the mouth. Sudhama: yes, you have said right; realisation has no language; only with a sweet taste it makes oneself honeyed. That is why I say, leaving all, only do sadhana, and becoming a bee keep drinking honey. The Guru himself will give the trail of the flower; at his feet the pot of honey. We come now. Pagla Baba: yes, today I shall not delay more. Bless these two so that their work is accomplished. Shashwata and Suman pranam the Guru, pranam Babaji and Sudhama, and leave them the path. Pagla Baba: Suman, Shashwata, then now make my bed yourselves and lie down.

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They speak of how such people live. Those who have so much have no leisure to think what is missing; we spend our time only arranging what we have. Suman: to know as much as they, this life itself seems too short; seeing them I am afraid. Shall we ever be able to become such a Pagla Baba? Shashwata: I do not know; yet this much I have understood — perhaps we shall not be able to lift the gold mine into the house; that does not mean we shall flee the gold mine. Even if we do not become the gold mine, we have at least rubbed a grain of dust on the body. Come, sleep; tomorrow we must rise at dawn. Suman: yes, these talks have no end. They pull the chadar and turn. Dawn birds and Pagla Baba’s morning mantra break the night.

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Suman and Shashwata stand in the verandah with the hurricane. Pagla Baba: oh, the sleep of you two — never mind what has happened, I shall look later. Shashwata, go now to bathe in the river, and take a new cloth from the room. Shashwata: shall I wear the new cloth going, Baba? Pagla Baba: no; bathe, then put on the new cloth. At this time a Babaji is there. See that you find him.

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Pagla Baba: stay, you need no new cloth. If Babaji asks, say I myself am old, so I did not bring new cloth. Go, and do not chatter. Suman and Shashwata set out quickly on the river path. No one else is on the bank. Shashwata’s eye goes to the far side: Arka is not seen. He turns the eyes a little this way and that and steps into the river. Suman finishes bathing: where is Babaji? No one is seen. Shashwata changes the stale cloth: then were we late? Come, let us go a little forward and see whether Babaji is found. Walking among trees, if anyone stays it seems they will not be seen. A little more toward the north, someone’s sound comes to the ear. Shashwata: from the jungle on the right, people speaking.

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Shashwata goes to Babaji. Babaji lifts the hair of Shashwata’s brow, sprinkles kamandalu-water, smears a little earth on brow and throat, and blows mantra over the whole body. Then he asks three times: do you like taking Harinam? Shashwata: yes Babaji; with you I had wished to join the throat in Harinam-kirtan. Babaji: that is a good word, yet without the Hari-bija there is no gain in taking Harinam. The mouth will say Hari Hari, yet will you ever know where Hari is? So first take the Hari-bija, establish Hari, then take Harinam; in the inner being you will find Hari’s abode, and this Hari will bring you the trail of the path. Come, I shall do your karna-shuddhi.

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Suman takes Shashwata’s hand and they return to the kutir. Pagla Baba: come, Shashwata; did you meet Babaji, and did he give something in the ear? Shashwata: yes Baba; he said, I myself shall do your karna-shuddhi, and he gave the Harinam-bija in my ear, and said to learn the rest from you. Pagla Baba, very glad: bah, bah — your karna-shuddhi happened at a siddha Vaishnava. Now the journey of this path has begun. From now, three days, morning and evening, you will japa Harinam; eat only niramis cooked by your own hand; take no one’s leftover; keep khari-earth on brow and throat. Go, khari-earth is kept in the room; draw the tilak. Shashwata: I shall; yet I had questions. Who was he? From where did he come? He said we shall not meet again.

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If you can rub again on the path, one by one the former can be known, and in this way one can reach one’s own origin. He entered in your ear that purity by which you can go from the subtle to the still more subtle. Then, entering bija-mantras one by one, joining the atman with Paramatman, you will be able to know your own origin. Seeing well why this life was received, you will understand what kriya you came to do, and what you can do. Human is the highest jiva of this earth; yet should a human’s conduct be like other jivas? Own house, own food, own family — every jiva keeps that dharma. Is that the mark of human greatness? Or, being the most intelligent jiva, to know the first sutra of one’s birth and to touch one’s first purusha — those who want to know themselves.

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Shashwata pranams the Guru and goes out. Suman: Baba, may I ask one word — had I too some former Guru? Pagla Baba: surely you had, otherwise how did you grow so large. Without a Guru does one become large of oneself? And there was work of your path, so you came and sat at me again; and those who were your Gurus I have brought inside myself and keep teaching you. Suman, you did not take diksha with your wife? Suman: no Baba, that chance did not come. My wife remains busy the whole day in household work; she cannot even rise in time. Yet she has much faith and bhakti on this path, and she helps me much; she says, you go well forward on this path, I shall look after the household. Pagla Baba: why, you—

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Suman: I do not know, Baba. All say, taking diksha and not being able to do the kriya rightly is to dishonour it, and one becomes a sinner and enjoys naraka. So I have never forced my wife. Pagla Baba: so, if she did nothing she would sit on the throne of svarga? Then there is no more need of doing anything, what do you say. O donkey, she will go to naraka of herself, and she will not leave you either. In seven rounds you took the duty of seven births. You will give her food and cloth; then from naraka itself you will have to keep that duty. If you go to svarga you will not be able to keep it. After death you will have no kriya. So that she may help you, if by your buddhi she goes to naraka she will take you with her. Suman: I had not thought that; then Baba—

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A human life is built of success and of failure; so a human sometimes walks in sukha, sometimes in duhkha. On our path there is no failure at all; all is success. Because whatever little kriya is given you on this path, that very kriya is taught as surrender, so there is no fear in failure. And taking diksha and not keeping it rightly is called foolish, because diksha can give that by which three times can be seen in one time. In your tiny household, among a thousand wrangles, illness, two miseries and poverty, you blame Ishvara — do you find even a little time to wrangle in the rule of His name? The chance that comes by fortune, to neglect it is itself a share of papa.

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Pagla Baba: see, Baba, do not put the fish in cold oil. When the oil is hot the fish must be let go; otherwise the fish will sit pressed in the vessel and you will not be able to lift it fried; all will break to powder. Go now to your work, and do not chatter — and he enters the kutir. Shashwata, treating patients, returns. By Pagla Baba’s order he keeps eating niramis cooked by his own hand and japas Harinam morning and evening. Passing three nights, in the morning he pranams the Guru: Baba, my three nights have passed; now what work of mine — give the order. Pagla Baba: go now on the river path japing Harinam; dip three times in the river, smear a little river-earth on brow and body, and go to the place of your karna-shuddhi. This dawn-night someone is there.

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A Vaishnavi, white sari, khari-earth tilak on throat and hand, great jata on the head, is rubbing two hands on the earth and muttering. When Shashwata stands before her the Vaishnavi’s look turns; in the gaze of the eyes fire seems to burn. By a sign she tells him to sit and rub the earth. Without a question Shashwata sits and, watching her, rubs two hands on the earth and japas Harinam. After a good while the Vaishnavi strokes his body with her earth-smeared hands; at her touch his body as if trembles. He lies at her feet. She draws his head into her lap and, saying Haribol, Haribol, strokes the head. Shashwata’s body and mind fill with shanti.

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Seeing woman, taking man, Prakriti is therefore Mother-form; knowing man, one gets the trail of oneself and the touch of the first father. See how you and I, even lost, keep meeting empty. Actually we remain the same — sometimes Krishna, sometimes Radha; playing the flute, Saptadhara, Krishna bound with Radha. Seven rishis, seven layers; a human says seven swaras. Seven rivers, seven colours; a human got five manners. Two sit in the loft; meeting, the atman, empty mind. Say Radha, jai Krishna; while the body remains, come to meet. On the dead shoulder, Haribol; another does the work. While Radha remains, say Krishna; mix in seven oceans. Say Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare, Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare. Jai Radha-Krishna, jai Govindaya namah, jai Vaishnavaya namah. She ends the nam-kirtan. Shashwata with mind and prana takes Harinam in Krishna-prema with the Vaishnavi.

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No Ma — who are you people cannot even be thought; perhaps we are adhama, so what a human is has not been known. Seeing woman, taking man, Prakriti is therefore Mother-form. Saying Prakriti-form my Mother, Shashwata clasps the Vaishnavi and weeps without a break like a child who has found the lost mother. Vaishnavi Ma too holds him; a stream of water runs from her two eyes in the sneha of a child. Wiping Shashwata’s two eyes she says, go, child, return now; still much path remains for you to walk; my blessing will remain with you always. He who is your Guru will surely dip you in seven oceans; only keep trust in him. He sent you to me that I might give you a little taste of Vaishnava-achara, and let you hear what nam-gana is, and its first explanation. Shashwata: meaning he had already told you of me.

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That is our address. Actually he wants to grow you leaving you a little free. This jnana he too could have given; yet he wants you to see more and understand more. All look separate. As with earth a murti of Ma Kali is made, so with that same earth a murti of Sri Krishna is made; seeing Kali or Krishna, worship whom you like. So again, being Guru, in every Guru there will be meeting; separate form, separate bhava, will take you to that Haridwar. He in tantra-mata let you touch Vaishnava-achara. Yet walk carefully; he has many dreams concerning you, because on this path if you go this way and that you will fall. Shashwata: how this way and that, Ma? I understood nothing; how shall I be careful? Vaishnavi Ma: actually, going to climb the mountain’s peak there is fear of the foot slipping; standing below, even if the peak is seen, there is fear of falling.

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Changing the body, meeting in one Guru, they keep showing the path to the disciple again. Your Guru, while his worldly body remains, is teaching you to meet in jnana; wherever there is jnana, there he is; so that you may understand that, he has sent you to me too. Yet see again — do not fall at the feet of an unknowing Guru who only wears the name Guru; then again all will go. In this age there is no lack of vesha-dharis. Shashwata: but Ma, how shall I understand — is he a vesha-dhari Guru, or a true Guru? I have no such hold on this path. And it is always said, do not distrust the Guru; see the Guru with the eye of trust; what the Guru says, keep that; if you make the reverse you will become a great sinner and enjoy naraka birth after birth. Then how, judging good and ill, shall I know?

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Actually the Guru has no need of knowing the disciple separately; seeing once, by walk and talk, he understands at once. Yet the disciple cannot understand the Guru seeing once; so Gurus give the disciple some days, saying see, so that in his own way he may understand the Guru. Because trust can never be blind. Where there is trust there is light. Blindness is dark, where there is no jnana — unknowing bhava. A true Guru will never teach you to become blind. He will remove your blindness and give the path of light. So he is Guru; and when he removes your blindness, do not go to judge him again. Because understanding your disease he will give you work according to that disease, by which you may become free of it.

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Shashwata remains astonished looking at the Vaishnavi’s going. When she has gone from his eyes he lets out a long breath and slowly returns toward the kutir. Much time has passed. Some people have come to bathe in the river. Dawn’s dress is finished; day’s light and sun have risen. His wet cloth has dried on the body. Returning to the kutir, Pagla Baba: here, Shashwata has come. See, Shashwata, who has come — your friend. Turning, he sees Prashanta. Prashanta coming forward: are, how are you, friend. Shashwata, a full smile: very well — and pranams Pagla Baba.

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The eyes and face somehow seem another kind. Have you taken diksha? Shashwata: yes, my first-line diksha is done; yet I have not received much hold — only three days, so I cannot say much in the matter. Boudi, the nephew, how are they? You might have brought them. Prashanta: well, in a manner; meaning, worse than what I had said has not happened; all as before. Shashwata: I feel you should bring Boudi here once, and not delay more. I believe if Pagla Baba sees once all will become right. Have you let our Pagla Baba know anything? Prashanta: not yet; yet today I am thinking I shall let it be known once. Shashwata: think no more, say now; I too with you shall let him know all. Pagla Baba coming out of the kutir: what, Shashwata, you—

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Pagla Baba, turning to Shashwata: you go now; I shall hear their word. Shashwata: yes Baba — and leaves the kutir. Pagla Baba: yes Prashanta, now say. Prashanta: yes Baba, I am saying. We had gone to a jyotishi; he is said to be a very great tantric too. Pagla Baba: I have understood — double M.A., tabiz and stone, two words. He himself tells a little untruth, so hearing that ordinary people gather a crowd, and he sits grinding jyotisha and tantra. Sometimes showing a dream he sells stone, sometimes showing fear he sells tabiz, in which people get both good fruit and ill. Yours, I think, has gone to the ill. You too have a fault. This much should be understood — lottery—

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Rice, dal, all is there; make as you wish. You already have the habit of arranging cooking. Prashanta: yes Baba; ginni cannot manage all in that way, so most of the time I cook. Pagla Baba: from now cook with liking. Tomorrow if you can, bring the boy and Bou once. Reba’s brother’s ghost I myself shall drive; there will be no need of Shashwata’s doctoring. And your boy too is the same — fearing death he lives as if dead, and learning studies he is becoming a donkey. Never mind; you come, and do not give the mind. Give the mind well to the khichuri. If the head goes this way and that the cooking will not be good. Prashanta: no Baba, I shall think nothing more. Only, if I had come some days earlier perhaps we would not have suffered so; they too could have lived a healthy life. Pagla Baba: such people need to suffer a little; seeing vesha—

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I shall know by talk how you are, and let you know how I am. Shashwata, a full smile: actually the same has happened to me. All these days, what happened with me, I found no one to tell, or finding, I could not understand what to say. Guptaji, with much attention: yes, tell me what happened. Seeing the tilak of your brow and the dress I have understood much has already happened. Shashwata: so. Actually my diksha is done. By the rule in which this diksha of mine happened, this dress and tilak must be worn. Guptaji: that is why you now seem less a doctor, more a sadhu. Many ask me whether you are a doctor or a sadhu-sannyasi. Shashwata: that is the difficulty. In our country people believe in dress, not in jnana. Seeing doctoring before the eyes, still they believe not in jnana but in vesha.

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Guptaji: talking with you I am coming to know a little and a little; and this coming-to-know of mine too is for you, so I only wait when I shall get you a little separate and learn a little more from you. Shashwata: you say right; now we have become one another’s complement. I see your change, you mine. Now the one-eyed will not show the path; even in a dim eye a line of light will be seen; walking, in the right light, blindness will cut. He rises: actually today a friend of mine has come to the kutir. I come now; it has become quite late; later the piled talk will happen again. Guptaji: then today I shall not hold you; you come; I shall wait for you. Shashwata returns to the kutir. Pagla Baba: go, see, in the kitchen your friend is cooking; the poor thing, not in the house—

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Pagla Baba: no; only keep taking Harinam as many times as you wish. Take no one’s leftover. When you receive another nam I shall say then what work will be. Shashwata: may I know one word, Baba. Pagla Baba: you have come here to know. If you do not want to know, how will you know. Shashwata: actually I cannot understand whether this is the right time, so I was hesitating. Pagla Baba: leave that too to the Guru; the Guru himself will make you do the knowledge of time. If going to know you err, the Guru is there, he will set it right. Then, what question have you, say. Shashwata: I want to know, why three nights? Has three nights some separate mahatmya, by which I finished my work. Pagla Baba: everything has a separate mahatmya; seeing by mahatmya, whose what mahatmya is understood. And you have finished no work at all. You have only just begun.

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Joining the atman with a-kara one must become deathless; so first, purifying body and mind, while the body remains one must meet in that endless shakti. In tantra-shastra seven acharas are spoken of, by which meeting in one achara, doing the work of each achara, one must pierce each layer. In this way the sadhaka, piercing the seventh layer, remains meeting in Param Brahman, in the loka of paramananda, in Paramatman, and keeps feeling only parama shanti. The word not finished, Prashanta: Baba, the khichuri is cooked, with alu-bhaja. Pagla Baba: you have done well. Before taking guru-mantra you have already begun guru-seva; you have done yajna for the Guru; Bhagavati will surely now be gracious. What do you say, Shashwata. Shashwata, smiling a little, head bowed: for such a tempting call, why only this much yajna — even if day and night were made one in yajna, I feel—